By controlling the amount of food that goes into and out of you, you imagine that you are controlling the extent to wich other people can access your brain, your heart.
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted
“Purging releases endorphins, brain chemicals that infuse a person with a sense of numbness or euphoria. Ironically, the relief passes in short order, only to be replaced by anxiety and guilt for the bulimic behaviors. Bulimics become addicted to their body’s own endorphins, causing them to continue the cycle. The body’s level of naturally occurring endorphins is then disrupted often causing depression which then leads to another bulimic cycle. It is an addiction in this way.”
169) Without my eating disorder I don’t know who I am. Im nervous that if I start eating normally again I’ll become someone else.
Hates life, hates you, hates the way she looks naked. Now she’s feeling drowsy, lousy, thinking maybe this world’s better off without me
— Somebody I Once Knew
32844) Sometimes I think that if I had someone who loved me, I wouldn’t hate myself so much.
I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can’t quite deal with it. — Marya Hornbacher, Wasted.
62082) If I could, I would walk around with a scale in my pocket.